A Messy Journey

Making a good decision is about leaving everything behind.

It is refusing to accept a “no” for an answer and giving it all. It is about risking everything so you don’t have anything to go back to. Hoping for the best, you wish to not find yourself helpless for that decision, yet at some point you will feel you are there. This means you are doing something right.

Having a dream and pursuing it is putting yourself in a place where you can be hurt. And you will be hurt. You are in the most vulnerable place you could ever dream to be, and you only hope to wake up. You are nothing but confused. You fear humiliation and failure, but then you realize that nobody cares. (That is scary too.) That is when you try to wake up again and realize that monsters don’t live under your bed, but in your head.

I don’t know what “being home” means. I never had one. My family moved out a lot because my father was a diplomat. We had to travel across the world, staying four years in each country but never settling in one. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t love any flag or any sports team. There is no food that I can think about to describe my childhood. (I guess I didn’t have one.) What good decision could I ever make if I don’t have anything to lose?

I left everything that was important to me behind: nothing. I can lose nothing. That makes it even harder. That puts me in the most vulnerable position. I have nothing to go back to. Nothing to fight for or to encourage me.

Still, somehow now I feel that I have something to lose. Maybe I could call this madness home.  

Diego Calderon is an international student from La Paz, Bolivia and has also lived in Montevideo, Uruguay…Read full bio Leave a comment below.

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